my first memory

One of my first memories is being in church.

I was lying on the hard wooden pew, looking up at the giant ornate cathedral ceiling.

I could hear the distant siren sounds of New York City muffled by the wooden doors and marble walls.

Everyone around me was singing some kind of hymn.

The organ blared along, setting the pace and tone just above a funeral dirge.

But I was singing my own song.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to be exact.

I distinctly remember trying to drown out all the other noises, so I could just hear my own voice.

I even included the new joke I’d learned from my Italian neighbor: replacing “like a diamond in the sky” with “like a giant pizza pie.” Good one, Luigi!

At only three years old, I was already doing my best to set my own frequency, regardless of what everyone else was doing.

I felt queasy every time I walked into church.

It felt cold and damp and off in some way.

Everyone was talking about love, but it felt dead inside.

And no one’s words matched their actions.

As I grew up, going to church became a weekly battle – with me trying everything I could think of to get out of it, and my parents upping the consequences if I didn’t comply and attend.

I felt totally trapped.

And totally unsupported by God.

Whoever “God” was, he didn’t seem very approachable or kind.

I had experienced so much abuse by humans in the name of God, that my young mind didn’t know there was a difference between who they were and who God was.

For years even the mention of God or church was enough to put me in a PTSD blackout.

So it’s truly a total surprise to me that I now speak publicly about the power of being connected to God.

God is wild like that!

Our deepest traumas get turned into gold, for the highest good of all. If we’re willing to stick around long enough for the plot twist and the redemption story.

Now God is at the center of my life and work:

- All of my mentorship and consulting sessions start and end with deep prayer.

-My content and programs help people reconnect with God and live the divine design for their lives.

-And my average day is full of ongoing communication with the Most High.

What changed?

My understanding of who I was AND who God was got a big upgrade.

You see, the way I was taught to see myself and God was: I’m an unworthy sinner. God is a punitive, authoritative overlord. I don’t deserve much. God is pretty pissed off at me.

Fun.

A few decades, several dozen dark nights of the soul, and one cinematic on-my-knees surrender moment later, I now understand that I am inherently worthy of love and support.

And God is here as the ultimate source of that love and support. Rather than relating to God through shame and fear, I get to connect through devotion and care.

And I understand that my life is a co-creation with God. I have the power to use my free will and my awareness of Universal Law to do whatever I want, AND I choose to allow God to guide me, so that my life can be as beautiful as possible.

My Celtic teacher Derek O’Neill talks about not going to God “like a beggar.”

He means: don’t pray like you’re worthless and hoping you’ll catch a lucky break.

Pray like you know you’re worth being supported. Pray like you fully trust that you’re taken care of.

Pray like you know who the eff you are! An empowered creator, a child of God, and a divine soul on a mission of love and truth.

Pray like you know that your prayer has already been answered, because in this now moment, everything already exists.

How would you pray if you felt totally worthy of support?

How would you pray if you didn’t have to beg or prove yourself?

What would you ask for help with, if you knew you’d receive it?

If you’re curious to find out, I host a monthly prayer call on my Patreon.

The prayer call is a space for you to gather with other like-hearted humans, to share what’s going on for you right now, receive personal prayer, and open up to the miracles God has in store for you.

One of my favorite parts of the call is hearing updates from people about all the prayers that haven been answered in the month since our last gathering.

It’s really amazing to see how much can change if we’re willing to receive support, both human and divine!

Join us for our next prayer call here.

P.S. If you’re new to my world and wondering what the vibe reeeally is on these calls, I wanted to let you know that the way I teach about connection with God is totally nondenominational, and there are no ideological pre-requisites or expectations.

All you need is an open heart and a willingness to be surprised by what God can do for you and through you. Even a willingness to be willing will do :)